Angels Among Us

The following birth experience report was written by our close friend, Emily Thomas, as a part of the process for obtaining her doula certification.  In the months prior to Michael's passing, we had no idea how close we would become or the special role she would have in our precious baby's birth and heart breaking passing. I believe with all my heart that God put her in our lives for a reason.  We love her dearly and she will always hold a special place in our hearts.   -Nicole  6-26-13

I was not planning on being Nicole doula during her birth, I was originally there to take pictures of her all natural water birth at home. I was not there for most of her labor because my husband and I were traveling home from New York state. I was so nervous that I was going to miss the birth and not be able to get pictures for them. As I rushed to their home I was met by first responders entering their driveway directly in front of me. My heart sank. I ran inside praying that everything was ok and was relieved to see Nicole still pregnant, yet worried that something was obviously wrong.

As Jen explained the situation to the e.m.t.’s she checked Michael's heart rate again. She was having problems with her Doppler and I could see her visibly shaking. She was keeping her cool, but I knew that something was seriously wrong. Pete and Nicole's sister were quietly crying on the other side of the room. I was immediately at Nicole's side stroking her head and watching Jen to try to figure out what was going on. I couldn't help but think Nicole needs someone by her side. I followed them to the hospital thinking they will section her immediately and just kept praying that she didn't have him in the ambulance. I arrived not long after they did and was allowed in her room. She was insisting she wanted an epidural and jen was at her bedside encouraging her through contractions. Her husband and sister were crying the whole time and upset that she did not want to continue naturally.

The anesthesiologist came in to explain the risks and it was at that point that she started to ask for a c-section. Jen asked her if she was sure and she said she was. She asked the doctor to give her one and he argued that she may continue naturally if she wanted. She had to basically demand it and they agreed. We left and waited for what seemed like forever. I kept looking at jen thinking this is taking too long and I am sure she was thinking the same. When her husband pete came out he was very upset and said they had kicked him out of the operating room and that she was bleeding very badly. He said that the baby didn’t cry and that he didn’t look good. Nicole’s sister broke down and Jen and I sat quietly waiting and wondering what was going on. A doctor (pediatrician) finally came out to talk to Pete and we could only hear bits and pieces of what they were saying. He said that Michael had been deprived of oxygen and was in very serious condition. We then waited again for Nicole’s doctor to come let us know when we could see her. He finally came and told pete that they did not have to do a hysterectomy and that she had lost a lot of blood. We still didn’t know that her uterus had ruptured. Jen left at some point after everyone had calmed down and I stayed behind because Kaitlynn mentioned some family that was coming might need a ride home. Nicole’s mother and brother arrived with Nicole's children and kaitlynn and I decided to take Madi (the youngest) home. I dropped them off and returned home worried and hurting for Nicole and her family, praying that they would both recover from this.




Monday went by and I didn’t hear much from the family, just that Michael had been transferred to the childrens hospital and would be in the NICU for quite a while, they still didn’t know much. Tuesday morning I got online and saw that Nicole had transferred to be with Michael. At that point I realized that Michael was most likely not going to make it and called and got in contact with kaitlynn. I told her I was there for whatever they needed and they could call me day or night. She texted me later and said that they might want me to come and she would let me know.

I left later that afternoon with my camera having no idea what the night would bring and nervous since I have never had to handle a life or death situation. When I arrived Nicole was at the Ronald McDonald house finally sleeping and I waited with the family talking to kaitlynn about what had happened. As I fought back tears I wondered how I would ever be able to hold it together in front of Nicole or when I met baby Michael. I knew that I needed to be strong for her and that she was not in any state to be consoling me.

I met Michael later that night and could not believe how perfect he looked. If it weren’t for all the wires he looked like a perfectly healthy baby boy, all 9 pounds of him! I took some pictures and talked to Nicole a little bit. They were still in shock that their baby was not going to survive, but were thankful that they were able to meet him and be with him if only for a few days. I stayed that night and talked with Nicole into the early morning. Surprisingly we didn’t talk about Michael a lot, but about other things. I think she just needed to talk, to have company and just someone to sit with.

At 8:00 the next morning I got a text saying that Michael likely wouldn’t make it through the day and that they wanted me to come take more pictures of him and family. I left immediately afraid that he wouldn’t make it until I got there. When I arrived I was not expecting the scene surrounding Michael. There were 2 doctors and several nurses talking to Nicole and explaining what would likely happen. A few nurses were crying and of course Nicole and pete were overwhelmed and heartbroken. It took everything I had to keep from breaking down with them. I stepped out for a minute to breath and regain my composure. I just kept telling myself that they need me to be there for them in whatever way I could; that they need all the support they could get.

As the day went on and more family arrived I continued to take pictures. Pictures of his perfect little hands and toes, his thick hair that was sticking straight in the air all by itself. It was heartbreaking, yet inspiring. You could clearly see the love that this family had for their little boy and that is all that they did those last two days. Michael was loved on every second of his life.
Later in the day the doctors and Nicole and Pete had made the decision that it would be best to let Michael go peacefully. The ventilator was turned up as high as it would go and it was putting pressure on his heart causing it and the rest of his organs to fail. The doctors told them that if they chose not to remove the ventilator that his death would most likely be chaotic with nurses and doctors rushing to save him only for him to pass anyway.

At about 7:15 they finally gave Nicole, Pete and their son a private room to say goodbye. They held him for about 10 minutes and then requested for me to come in. He looked so perfect in his mama’s arms and I was so thankful she could hold him and say goodbye to him in that way. I took as many pictures as I could in a short time and then asked the nurse if it would be ok to move him. Nicole was cradling him and I asked her to put him on her chest. The nurse told her it was ok. Nicole laid him on her chest for the first time and looked and me smiling and said “this is right where he belongs”. Still fighting back tears I took a few more pictures and after a minute the nurse checked for a heart beat again. Michael had passed and I quietly slipped out. All the family in the waiting room looked with eyes questioning as I walked in the room and I just quietly shook my head.

I watched Mason and Madi, as the rest of the family went in to say their goodbyes and support Nicole and Pete. After they were done I went in to say goodbye and give them one last hug. I drove home in the pouring rain in shock at what I had just witnessed, devastated that this loving family would never be able to hold their baby again or watch him grow up. The next day I prepared a meal and took it over as I knew they would have a lot of family there and food would be the last thing they would be thinking about. I immediately started editing the pictures so that they would be able to print some for the funeral.

The funeral was almost as difficult as being at the hospital. No one should have to say goodbye to their baby. I cried through most of it and when I went to hug them before I left they seemed surprised to see my crying. Nicole and I cried together for a few minutes and I said my goodbyes to Michael. I continued to make some meals for them and collected some from others to take to them during the two weeks after he passed.

I wish that things could have gone differently, I wish that the pictures I took of baby Michael could have been his newborn pictures in my home while Nicole relaxed on the couch. However wishing things were different won’t change them and all I can do now is be there for Nicole and her family and make sure that she knows I am here. I will always feel that micheal’s birth was the first birth I attended. Even though I was not there for the labor, or in the delivery room, I was able to support his family in a special way, the way they needed most. I so was honored to be a part of his life and to have met him.